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Halloween! It’s one of my favorite nights of the year. All of those decadent, delicious, individually-wrapped treats waiting at the front door. So sad that their parents watch them like hawks. There’s also the candy, of course, which brings me in a roundabout way to one of the scariest things imaginable for my kind: tooth decay.

As you can imagine, our teeth are very important to us. So useful for the ripping of the skin and the shredding of the flesh to get at our own treats. Fingers will do, knives for the lazy, but either way it’s infinitely less satisfying. Like eating a hamburger with a knife and fork. (Sorry, Brits.)  We like to get messy around the teeth when we eat, but thanks to the “advances” of your modern world that simple pleasure is threatened.

No, it’s not the sugar or the high fructose corn syrup in everything from soup to candy. We could eat practically anything – from glass to bird nests – and it wouldn’t bother us. The sugar that’s turning our prey into delightfully obese, sedentary snacks isn’t the problem. It’s a different kind of addition. All the brushing and flossing in the world can’t protect our glorious enamel from the effects of methamphetamine.

We call it meth fang even though we don’t really have fangs. Not like in the movies anyway. Our incisors are sharp enough, but that comes from decades, often centuries, of honing them against the abrasive bones of the human neck.

Feeding on junkies, and there are so many of them these days (note to legislators, consider redirecting your war on drugs to a war on boredom and ennui, a far better use of your resources), damages our teeth. A run of bad luck feeding on meth addicts can soften the roots of our teeth for weeks, leaving them wobbly and unreliable. Let me assure you, you’ve never experienced hypoglycemic crankiness until you’ve met a vampire with soft teeth. A toothless vampire? Absurd. Tragic. And finding an all-night dentist is no small task.

So kids, stay away from the drugs. Speaking of children, I think I hear little footsteps outside now. I can’t wait to see their adorable little costumes. With their bright, trusting eyes and pure, untainted blood … I only hope their parents aren’t nearby.

Happy Halloween, everyone.

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