I’m going to let you in on a little secret: One of the surest ways to know you’re living next to a Vampire is by the absence of all animal life. Take a moment to pay close attention and if you find no sign of living creatures within a quarter mile radius, be worried. And [...]

Dr. Van Helsing, wherever you are, you might want to cover your ears. I am about to reveal the worst enemy of the Vampire: boredom. Ennui. Existential despair. No stake-wielding simpleton, no misguided vigilante armed with religious righteousness, no child orphaned by a blood orgy and nurtured by cold vengeance can induce even a fraction [...]

Here’s a funny little story that begins with a gift to myself; a Christmas gift, if you will. As you can imagine, Vampires don’t typically celebrate Christmas, unless of course a small group of easily overpowered carolers happens to wander by. We’re not the kind to trim trees, wrap presents or exchange holiday cards with [...]

With the excesses of the winter holidays — the gluttony, the wanton consumerism and the forced good will — thankfully behind us, humans tend to greet the coming year with the hopes of becoming “better.” Bright eyed optimists, it seems everyone wants to eat more healthfully, lose weight, stop smoking or cut back on the [...]

I dread the thought of the approaching cold and flu season. I’m not a germaphobe, nor do my kind get “sick.” Humans dragging around lethargically, sneezing and sniffling and oozing mucous is enough to turn one’s stomach, but the reason I despise this time of year is because the blood of the sick tastes awful. [...]

Praise be to all-night gymnasiums. Not because I need to lose a few pounds after splurging on a Thanksgiving feast (triplets); my kind do not benefit from regular exercise. Nature has seen fit to arm us with strength and speed far in excess of even your most advanced specimens. And we don’t really gain weight [...]

All of these charming little protests against the establishment currently sweeping the colonies (sorry, old habit) — the United States — have caught my eye. So many of the unemployed, unemployable and underwashed are finally focusing their anger and indignation in the right direction. It’s about time. You humans certainly are willing to put up [...]

When it comes to art, I know what I like. I’ve been collecting for thousands of years now and I’ve assembled a body of work that would make any docent weep for joy. It’s not because I particularly enjoy contemplating fine paintings; it’s just that I adore artists and, in response, they tend to give [...]

Reporter from Bite Club: Joining us today from the pages of “The Cowboy and the Vampire” is Elita, an extremely influential and powerful Vampire — and drop dead (sometimes literally) gorgeous, she’s been around for thousands of years, but doesn’t look a day over 300. Hi Elita, welcome. Can you tell our readers a little [...]

I do so adore revolutions. So many people with their guns and bravery and optimism. It’s not often that humans can lose themselves in the hopes of a future extending much beyond the confines of their own narrowly prescribed little lives. It must be so exciting for the mortality-challenged to feel anything other than a [...]

Last night I visited a sex shop. It’s something I do from time to time when I’m feeling down. Or hungry. There’s something so…uplifting about the staggering array of sex toys, movies and magazines catering to every kinky fetish imaginable by the depraved minds of humans. At the counter, a nervous young man was purchasing [...]

I love a good circus. Of course, I was especially fond of the original — Circus Maximus. You could always count on the Romans for a bloody spectacle. But times change and so do tastes. Now I find myself sentimental for a good old fashioned traveling circus. The smell of greasepaint, the antics of the [...]

During the last few decades, I’ve grown lazy. Indolent. I’d like to blame this on the internet, but redirecting personal responsibly is such a human trait. People are forever trying to blame their personal shortcomings on everything except themselves. Now it’s the fashion to blame the web … before that, it was television; before that, [...]

I read about the Neanderthal diet and came close to smiling — a rare occurrence I can assure you. The study, in some armchair journal of science, posits that since Neanderthals ate mostly meat and whole fruits and grains and, since their genetic material figures largely in the composition of modern humans, it would make [...]

Vampires – at least vampires like me of a “certain” age – are masters of concealment. Our very survival depends upon it. We die at every sunrise, leaving our bodies vulnerable to any stumbling blood bag who might happen upon us. Discovery could lead to a number of undesired outcomes, including a fatal case of [...]